Top Ten Things I would do if I were a Dazzlingly Hot Prince in a Fantasy Realm!

  1. Look at my reflection on every possible orifice in my luxurious manor or castle – mirror, guard armor, pond – you name it, if it reflects my face, I will stare at it for hours!
  2. Save any and every helpless princess I can find *authorly groan*, marry her and consecutively order her assassination. I am charming, after all– but not kind-hearted. Not by far.
  3.  Father enough wee bastards to make my own polo team.
  4.  Win several border skirmishes against enemies on all sides — The EVIL Dark Lord and his minions on the northeast; the annoying elves and their Tyrant to the northeast; monsters of darkness and unimaginable nightmare all throughout the west…and worst of all, other human kingdoms to the west and to the south.
  5.  I’ve been told that I have also won battles against dwarves under mountains…but I have never deemed to look below my belt to see the truth of these claims.
  6.  No wars, however. Those would take far too much of my “me” time. This dazzling smile, these stunning cheekbones…they take a lot of care, you know. A lot of virgin blood, also.
  7.  Prove my loyalty to humanity by challenging the Dark Lord to a duel, only to get refused for lack of sorcerous might.
  8.  Go on a quest for magical items!
  9.  Finish the quest. Claim a magical sword from a lake, or a pool, or even a little pond. No mountains, though. Those are nasty, and people can break their necks when tumbling off them. Deathtraps, I swear. When I become king.
  10. Succeed my father. By running him through. With my sword. My magical sword.

Bit of world-building in this here Top Ten Fantasy List! Hope you enjoyed it; you’re very welcome to come back for more!

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 07 – The Importance of Communication

Diary Entry #0150

Five days I have been on the road with a band of mine cohorts. Good servants, my companions — many of them come from those Libraries whence I put them, to study arcane arts and divination during those most foul attacks of the Council of Darkness. They have proven useful with their trickery and short legs, enough even for a great Dark Lord such as myself to take notice.

My wisdom knows few bounds and none of them concern young he and she-children and what is to be done with them.

As long as no one hands them bows.

Diary Entry #0151

It occurs to mine terrible intellect that no reason was writ as to the reason of me having left mine capital when still it writhes, bloodied and wounded by traitorous fiends, ripe for attack by many a neighbor, as soon as weakness is felt. Why then would I, greatest master of dark arts and magics and sorceries, keeper of secrets unknown and unbecoming, abandon mine dark hold in this hour?

‘Tis simple, really. Only my will, indomitable and fierce as it is, has the capability to see my thunder found and brought back safely where it needs must be, in the heart of my realm, protecting all with its malicious rumble.

I am nearly certain as to the identity of this thief. It is not one among the traitorous lot of that Council whose name I no longer even wish to pronounce.

Nay, tis much worse. This thief is mine former wife.

Diary Entry #0152

I remember some of what it was like, before. Our life together was happy, if difficult. There was pain and hardship aplenty, as you might imagine. Working, trying to survive tends to do a grueling trick on the best of men. But I never gave up. Never.

I had a wife I loved. A daughter.

I miss them terribly.

Diary Entry #0153

Bah, what trickery is this?!

Memories of writing this previous entry, I have none! I have been under such monstrous tension lately, perhaps a respite is necessary.

The scouts report that a gathering of feral ogres threatens a nearby village. Perhaps I shall join them in their pillage of the free people of Lokre. My arcane librarians deem it an unpalatable idea but it will not do, allowing them to dictate my choices.

Diary Entry #0155

I have taken the minds of the feral ogres and forced them to do my bidding. That lot proved to be horrid hosts; they all but failed to recognize my superiority, those insipid fools. For that,  I have punished them as only I can.

The arcane librarian corps, as I have decided to call the newly-minted organization of wee lads and lasses who spend too much time in my libraries,  has cheered my decision. It would appear that some of them have come from Lokre; such pity that their parents never taught them the importance of communication.

All they needed do was ask.

 

Thank you for reading! I’m actively trying to steer this series towards a more fully-realized and rounded fictional world instead of a series of one-off comedic bits, which — while funny — don’t really leave that much of an impression. It’s a fun challenge I enjoy revisiting weekly; if you enjoy reading it, let me know! I’m always up for conversations on all fictional matters!

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 06 – Patronage

Diary Entry #0142

Over two weeks have come to pass since the Council of Darkness spun tail and ran off to the South. While I commanded a few efretti — fire demons, native to the far-off lands of Bazrah — to snap at the enemy’s heels, ’tis not my intent to defeat the Council as they retreat. Bah, let them hide in their desert fortresses and dusty keeps. I care not!

All that matters is finding my thunder, my beloved ambiance. My life is not the same without it. The sun has now taken a permanent residence — or what seems like it — into my glorious throne chambers. I recall arguing with a great architect about the dubious decision of making a fortress of obsidian and glass once; I can only wish that I were a more stern, principled Dark Lord.

I’ve always given old Barnabus too much leeway. Perhaps stricter control is in order, now that he is rebuilding my capital, he might as well be taught an important lesson in obedience.

GUARDS! BRING ME BARNABUS’ RIGHT FOOT!

…That ought to teach him.

Diary Entry #0143

Remaining on point is at times more troublesome than you would care to know. I was speaking of the continuous trials and tribulations that came with the spineless thievery of my precious thunder.

I have summoned a master, and forgive me if I misspell the word, “dee-tic-tive,” from the newly…sigh…liberated Elven democracy of Fanfallah. Whoever thought of these elven names should be skinned and given to the Nephew of Deceit. Nephew’s shown great affinity for naming all manner of beasties. He is also tremendous company for teatime.

Back to this dee-tick-tive. It is said that his prowess in capturing criminals is second to none. I shall use him until he is little more than a pile of bones, if that will bring me my thunder back! He better produce some results soon, some ‘kloo’ as he insists on calling them.

Elves are strange little tall people.

Diary Entry #0145

I have the thunder thief’s stench! Preparations for the chase near completion even now.

The strange little elf produced wonderful results. Let none say that I am an ungrateful master; to show my great appreciation for his service, I have offered my patronage. The little fellow agreed all too heartily. He will make me more of these dee-tick-thieves. There is great potential within the lad. I shall bathe him in my tenebrous embrace, coddle him in a chrysalis of pure night; it would be my greatest pleasure if he were to fulfill his great promise.

Aye, I might have very well misjudged Felandred…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 05: Stoned Enemies!

Diary Entry #0120

The gates are breached! Nightmares and monstrosities assail the very heart of my realm!

Goblins and orcs and undead have long since desiccated and turned to ash and dust under my protective aura; alas, the front line of the Council of Darkness refuses to break under my fierce defense. Gigantic mole-like creatures have crept from soft–if strangely covered in green growth– soil, and cyclopi have stepped to hold against my

Damn these iron-clad fiends! They are trying to steal my thunder!

Diary Entry #0121

Someone stole my thunder. No, I’m not talking about the figurative statement of style. I mean to say, someone stole the artifact that is my thunderous…well, thunder. It’s the ambiance sound in my throne chamber.

Someone stole a sound. How can someone even do that?!

Diary Entry #0124

Since my thunder has been stolen, things have gone terribly, horribly bad. By ‘things’, I mean the war effort. Forgive me, victorious me of the future. I can scarcely get to the task of defeating the enemy with the sounds of chirping birds coming ever-so-crisp from the outside. Things could only get worse if the sun were to sh–oh. Oh no. No! It broke through! The sun broke through the thick smaug of my beautiful fortress again!

*

I have just received word that the molemen of the Council of Darkness have become blinded and turned on the Council’s own soldiers. The cyclopi, meanwhile, have turned to stone, and so have the trolls. I salute my stoned enemies, even as I entwine the mole-creatures with tenebrous tendrils of power and send them to shatter the stone-forms.

…This was, of course, all part of my plan. It was I who, through my inactivity, challenged this…this burning sphere of death to turn its attention upon mine lands. Difficult as this task was, I have succeeded in it; and I have proven victorious, for now.

The Council of Darkness sounds the retreat. Amongst them is someone who has stolen my thunder.

He will not reach far.

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 04 – Here Comes the Sun

Diary Entry #0110

Ten days of warring within thine splendid walls of blackness, my capital, my glorious Fulcrum. Blood – demonic and human and other, besides – clogs tiles of soulstone. Even more than is normal, in fact!

Mine annoyance knows no bounds. If only I could find the body of my esteemed generals…they would get quite the stern shaking, they would!

Alas…they dead. So dead. Perchance I have killed several of mentioned generals, myself.

On the dark side, the libraries and the children within them seem to have been swollen by the earth. Most perturbatory, even if my darkened heart sings in joy at the news. I will send a squadron of kobolds to investigate the soft soil where the libraries stood.

I have received word of one of my remaining commanders. The kobolds blew themselves up. Some newly-minted captain gave them real dynamite instead of the chocolate stuff. Poor tiny abominations…they can’t help themselves.

Well, at least they buried half the Council of Darkness’ army beneath obsidian and rubble. The best part is — they won’t ever pester me for more dynamite again!

Diary Entry #0113

The Dynamite Catastrophe of 1ADL shall remain in the memory of my various peoples for many, many years. Much obsidian did break, and even more was broken by these invaders who would end me…Do they have no respect for the work put into Fulcrum? Ten days did it take me to create, and ten more did I need until I filled it with men and women and beasts and monsters, and even with kobolds.

In hindsight, I might’ve exercised more wisdom in my choice.

Diary Entry #0114

I have spent the day and night on the frontline, fighting and collecting shards of obsidian. Well does it cut the skin of dragons, and even better does it cut their hearts.

Which I know purely out of some volumes of forgotten lore. Never would I kill these nearly extinct creatures in such a clearly unethical way…

Very well, I mustn’t lie…I killed several dragons today in revenge for mine obsidian.

Please don’t inform DEMD*.

Diary Entry #0115

A small victory at the price of a great loss. On this day I, the Dark Lord *******, have destroyed the enemy’s greatest sorcerous creations – great constructs of liquid metal, cursed to extinguish mine life. Alas, they were not up to the task.

I am distraught to say, however that to destroy them, I had to break down the great dark clouds above Fulcrum…the sun is shining down on me as I write these words, and slaughter orcs and goblins. I do believe I am getting a tan, and also, that strange organisms are spawning unto the soil.

Grass, my experts believe it to be. Food might also grow eventually, if nurtured with something else than a tincture of orc and man-blood.

I positively loathe the idea already.

(*Demons For the Ethical Murder of Dragons.)

Thank you for reading. The Dark Lord’s adventures will continue next Wednesday!

Ten Things I would NOT do if I were reborn as a demonic slave

  1. Movement’s difficult with so many arms. You wouldn’t think it was by looking at all those naked statues of four-handed sex goddesses, but it is. It really is. I wouldn’t be doing much of it at all; not properly, anyway.
  2. I WILL NOT give the fat demon lord massages. No, I do not care how many yugoloths will point their tridents at me, I refuse! A man has got to draw a line somewhere! Oh, wot? Demons are gender-neutral? Oh, I see, they can be made gender-neu–you don’t mean…? You do? Oh, dear.
  3. In my anger at cleaning up boots from human blood, I will take it all out on the very reason for those stains — humans. Yes, you heard me right. These stinkin’ no-good person-people are not getting away with staining any more of my master’s spiky boot pairs!
  4. I would not admit that the slaughter of innocent wee man-people by my hand is a big reason as to the perpetual bloodstains on the master’s boots.
  5. I really wouldn’t.
  6. No ignoring my weaknesses this time. No matter how many shiny, strange sources of energy I disc–ooh, why is that undead butterfly engulfed in sorcerous ene–Focus, Hyperius!
  7. No alliances with humans. Plot as I may, but I’m not going back to that stage of development…
  8. I would not go mano-a-mano with the boss-man. Fat and lazy as he might be, he’s still head demon poncho of the whole shebangin’ demon invasion. Head poncho, for those of you who might not be aware, is a specific term in demon culture, meaning…most wonderous demon who wears a particular type of clothing, for none other fits on his voluminous body.
  9. No ice magic. Much as I loved it in my good ol’ lich days, it simply does not help. Leaves one hell of a burn. Who knew that ice could burn a demon so bad?
  10. No more choking on demonic boots! Never, ever again! It took me four days to remove every single piece of metal I crunched down when I was eating the demon lord. Four weeks, in fact!

The events on this list are entirely fictional. Far be it for me to imply that demonic lords and slaves have access to the Internet… 

Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were a lich

  1. Regret my past life as a miserly old wizard. Screw that guy, he dead!
  2. No time will be spent in moral considerations, akin to (but not excluded to): “Is necromancy evil? Is angering the gods of death wise, in any world, including this one? How can my apprentices possibly be this useless, even as reanimated corpses?”
  3. I would not dig deep holes. There’s plenty of things necromantic and ice magic can accomplish. Exhuming bodies is easy. Digging holes to bury bodies – not so!
  4. No cutting of the necropolis costs! Ice sculptors are a pain in the boney arse, but if I have to levitate above their heads to make sure that they’re doing their job all well and proper, I will! No second-hand ice will do.
  5. Responding to old acquaintances, fellow advisors and friends from my old life…while it may sound good on paper, something tells me that those guys will tend to be conservative; all for the traditional monarchy, for leaving things as they are. Well, not me! I am a progressive lich! I vote for change. End to life, and death eternal!
  6. That should probably not be the platform I go with, after conversing with several of the recently deceased.
  7. I would not lose that most annoying of wizardly traits, even in death – inexplicable idiotism!
  8. The eldritch smell of death would not stop me from exploring the fissure in space and time – so what if it looks like a festering wound in the sky above my floating ice fortress? I don’t discriminate!
  9. I would not feel pain. The demonic forces that will shatter my icy carcass would be just that quick to act.
  10. No regrets at making a pact with an Arch-demon. None. What. So. Ever.

 

Thus ends the latest adventure of the wizened old wizard-turned-lich. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Click here and here for wizardly context, and here for the last entry in this particular series.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 3 — Education

Diary Entry #0099

My capital is under siege. Seven Dark Lords and their armies are upon me and mine, and much malice is in their hearts. Even more malice is in their sharpened blades, but that seems secondary to me. The blades are almost as tiny as the corpses of my soldiers that they’re stuck in.

A great melancholy does come upon me when I think of the malice in these hearts.

Such waste, to see so much malice go in my direction, when there’s heroes to kill, winter spirits to maim…

Diary Entry #0100

I write this as I do battle. It has proven a most extraordinary experience.  Thoroughly rewarding.

I have slain many a dozen of wretched monstrosities. Ogres. Ettin. Several creatures that were neither ogre, nor ettin, and yet were more impressive than both.

Despite mine thirsty blade and dreadfully sordid expression and actions, mine hordes of supreme evil seem prone to fall.

Ah! Here comes the Demibourbon, my ever-envious adversary in the Council of Darkness!  He challenges me. It shall be a fine battle, indeed!

I now write these dots with the blood of mine fallen enemy, and tears stream down mine eyes. His was a fate far too dishonourable for one such as he.

A childe, of age 12 – from the plantations far down South in mine lands – did shoot him with an arrow in his eyes. Aye, eyes. How they went through his ensorcelled helmet, I do not know; I know only that mine glorious combat has been denied to me.

Alas, poor Fallen Gods! I need must find a worthy adversary.

Who gives these children arrows?

I shall hang him! And burn him! And stick him on a spike!

An arrow just stuck itself into mine Royal Adviser. Perhaps it IS time to retreat, as he and his colleagues keep screeching at me.

Diary Entry #101

The first walls of the city have fallen. Mine dark obsidian doth break too easily.

I have ordered that children are to be discouraged from using weapons, and be put into libraries instead, and learnt to read and write. That way, none shall take my adversaries out.

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Part 01

Diary Entry #0078
Today, I took my armies to Imlarith, where I challenged the High Elven King to singular combat. Although I was fully prepared for his refusal, the gleefulness with which he did accept my challenge did stagger me back for a moment.

Long did our glorious combat last, and much did happen as our fiery blades crossed under the blistering day of summer. And then during the blistering night of that same season did we continue crossing our blades, and a great deal many other doings, so foul and deadly that the very ground underneath the king’s regal feet succumbed. Alas, his strength proved my inferior and with a final blow did I send him down to his very many elven ancestors, and, summoning brimstone and hellfire did I kick his body into the abyss!

It was a heavy body, and so I had to kick a few times.

My generals did prepare the Fallen armies with much alacrity as this kicking did occur, expecting fully the High Elves’ outrage at their beloved Monarch’s voluptuous death.

Great was my surprise when the elves did throw flowers at my feet, and cheered my name, and called me Liberator. Alas, my generals, all of whom have deteriorated eyesight due to the near-constant darkness in which they do dwell, mistook the large quantity of roses for deadly projectiles, and ordered the archers to fire a volley unto the elven crowds.

Many elves did die that day, but nay, they refused to stop cheering! They showered me with riches, once I stopped the volley of arrows, and they told me their tale; of a mad Elven King who kept them near-enslaved by his tyrannical rule.

As it seemed uncouth to kill them all as they cheered, I did order my armies to turn around and march back unto the darkness from whence they came.
Curse my rotten luck, I hope I shalln’t get my minions unto misfortune with the Council of Darkness for overthrowing a perfectly evil Tyrant.

Diary Entry #0079

The Council of Darkness hath announced their foul intent to wage war on mine person. I shallt respond with fierce and spiteful prejudice.

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain is the diary of a clichéd fantasy villain who ends up doing more good than bad for a variety of convoluted reasons! Follow me for more of his misadventures every Wednesday! Odds are, you’ll enjoy this if you’re sick of overused fantasy tropes or if you enjoy the premise of a reluctant villain who’s perfectly competent in his villainy, but always to unexpected effect!

Top Ten Things I would do if I were an Evil Fantasy Overlord

1. I would make myself a trinket, nice and pretty. Nothing too flashy, nothing that draws attention.
2. I would make sure that my soldiers have all the reasons to remain loyal. To that purpose, I will pay them well, and make sure that they are happy. If that requires slaughtering a countryside filled with tiny people…so be it.
3. I would spend a lot of time with my pet basilisk/tri-headed dog/fashionably-daft nazgul. Bonding time decreases the odds of your favorite pets trying to murder you further on in. I will also make sure they diet properly, on the flesh of the enemies’ virgins…but that’s besides the point.
4. I would take the words of my trusted minions to heart. The other alternative is dumb. If you have a lieutenant who’s proven his value to you time and time again, don’t go ahead and doubt him, okay?!
5. I would unleash my evil empire’s armies before the heroes have the time to band together and defeat me via The Power of Friendship™.
6. I would pick up any ancient powerful artifacts lying around my portion of the world, instead of leaving them for some obnoxious farmer boy to find and dethrone me.
7. Also, I would conscript all the farmer boys. Use all that energy they have towards something productive.
8. I would attempt to avoid giving my underlings ample reason to kill me, like electrocuting relatives in front of them.
9. I would remain skeptical of any turncoats that’re suddenly burning with desire to join and serve me, especially if they used to be close friends and allies of my arch nemesis.
10. I would incinerate every piece of documentation that could somehow tip my enemies of any weaknesses I have; I would also incinerate all the thrash. I know how much heroes like sneaking around it; no need to let them.
11. I would use finesse and cunning where possible; just because I’m an Evil Overlord does not mean that I must be a prick about it!

My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List; my first entry is centered around the Evil Fantasy Overlord in order to honor that list and its maker! The next installment, “Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were an Evil Fantasy Overlord,” will be out on Friday!

Oh, and why 11, when I said Top Ten? It’s because I like to go one step above and beyond!