- New body, new set of rules! Let’s start off with movement. Nope, moving on four legs isn’t as easy as it looks. Why am I going to that hole? Wha—No, stop it! LEGS! LEEEEE—
- New management. I was a freelance lich in my last incarnation, but this time around…demon lords are all the buzz! I’m not saying this metaphorically; the large, tentacle creature with huge breasts and flames for eyes is buzzing at me.
- Licking boots. Sure. Why put my knowledge of this realm when you could use my new acid-coated tongue to clean your boots, demon lord?
- Why do demon lords even have boots? I understand faeries, and walking—but what is it about demonic boots?
- Do they really need all these spikes? Those are really hard on the acidic tongue, mind you.
- I’m getting boggled in boot-licking minutiae? Really? Oh, very well! I would also corrupt the souls of the forsaken, the desiccated, and those who have no brains on their skulls in order to know well enough not to stay in the middle of a demonic invasion!
- I would begin plotting. Demons plot, and I would hate to be unfaithful to my newly-discovered nature. What else do demons do, though? Let’s have a gander at my demonic lord and master; he…
- Sleeps a lot;
- Enjoys clean boots;
- Consumes the souls of humans;
- Plans invasions past the initial point of contact –my bad, everyone— but never acts on them;
- Reads his poems aloud and pesters me and the succubi for positive reinforcement.
- I will plan on taking my demonic lord’s place. While I no longer am a wizard, or a lich…the knowledge remains. First, I will…abuse his poetic skills! No demon would expect such assault.
- Once the abuse continues, it is time to gaslight him. Aye, you heard that right. I will light the pungent gas that surrounds him afire!
- I shall consume his tender, burned flesh, and take my rightful place as demonic lord!
The protagonist of this list may or may not have choked on demonic boot by mistake, and proceeded to die several more times before reaching his goal. At this time, one simply could not say.
- Regret my past life as a miserly old wizard. Screw that guy, he dead!
- No time will be spent in moral considerations, akin to (but not excluded to): “Is necromancy evil? Is angering the gods of death wise, in any world, including this one? How can my apprentices possibly be this useless, even as reanimated corpses?”
- I would not dig deep holes. There’s plenty of things necromantic and ice magic can accomplish. Exhuming bodies is easy. Digging holes to bury bodies – not so!
- No cutting of the necropolis costs! Ice sculptors are a pain in the boney arse, but if I have to levitate above their heads to make sure that they’re doing their job all well and proper, I will! No second-hand ice will do.
- Responding to old acquaintances, fellow advisors and friends from my old life…while it may sound good on paper, something tells me that those guys will tend to be conservative; all for the traditional monarchy, for leaving things as they are. Well, not me! I am a progressive lich! I vote for change. End to life, and death eternal!
- That should probably not be the platform I go with, after conversing with several of the recently deceased.
- I would not lose that most annoying of wizardly traits, even in death – inexplicable idiotism!
- The eldritch smell of death would not stop me from exploring the fissure in space and time – so what if it looks like a festering wound in the sky above my floating ice fortress? I don’t discriminate!
- I would not feel pain. The demonic forces that will shatter my icy carcass would be just that quick to act.
- No regrets at making a pact with an Arch-demon. None. What. So. Ever.
Thus ends the latest adventure of the wizened old wizard-turned-lich. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Click here and here for wizardly context, and here for the last entry in this particular series.
Thanks for reading!
- I would get me a nice little ice cave, with loads of stalagmites, stalactites and the skulls of my long-dead apprentices and army comrades.
- I would begin raising my apprentices from the dead. They were an incompetent bunch in life—doesn’t mean that they have to remain useless in death.
- I would discover that death really hasn’t done much in the way of improving my pupils’ skills, communication or otherwise.
- I would bury several bags’ worth of bones. A speech for the fallen pupils would be in order.
- Time for a change! You know what a newly-created lich needs? A necropolis! In the sky! No more of that damp icy cave! Time to outsource some necromantic goodness to the world.
- I would begin with the kingdom I served in life. No place like home. Step One: Raise the dead. Step Two: Profit…If by profit you mean mayhem, slaughter and eternal ice covering the land.
- Now that I’ve got a proper ice lair – just look at that landscape, it’s got all the stalagmites! – I can look above and beyond!
- I would inadvertently look at something terrible, mystical and not-at-all friendly.
- Demons would invade from the terrible, mystical, not-at-all friendly place that will –oh no!—suddenly turn out to be a horrible-no-good portal. The ice will melt, and so will my icy exterior. And interior. Every –erior in a several hundred mile radius.
- I would find myself horribly, terribly dead. My soul at the mercy of demons. Oh, well. If you can’t beat them…join them.
Liches are a lot more punctual then wizards. Even when those liches used to be wizened old wizards in the first place.
What will happen next? What didn’t happen? Find out next Friday and Monday! Yey! *claps excitedly*
- I would NOT mean to harm anyone with my illusion spells…It would just sort of happen. No one’s to blame, really.
- I would NOT cross bridges if I had the choice. These things are dangerous – shoddy masonry, demonic infestations, not to mention the rotting wood…I just don’t trust any of it.
- I would NOT mind all my students going on quests every once in a while. It’s healthy for the body, the mind…and the state of my pantry. Fattening up apprentices is a thankless task, methinks.
- I would NOT go out of my way to stop any wizened old nobleman from cutting down the mad monarch I’m sworn to. The mad ones always insist I do the most work. The village cleansings will simply never end…!
- I would NOT make a good cadre wizard in the new monarch’s army. I’d be too used to burning villagers by far, to be able to serve side by side with them. And hey, who knows how many soldierly relatives I might’ve maimed or turned to ash by that point?
- I would NOT be good at avenging my students’ deaths, once tragedy inevitably strikes my magical tower/magical school/magical loo.
- I would NOT do any cardio. There’s magical laws against that.
- I would NOT recover from the lack of cardio, unless I embrace dark and forbidden lore, and transform into a lich. It’s recovery, of a sort…
- I would definitely NOT have a tenth entry to this list, being the wizard that I am, and knowing full-well that wizards are far too lazy for their own good.
Surely by now you didn’t expect that mysterious tenth entry?
My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List. Don’t know what that is? Google it, and have a laugh!
The next installment of “Top Ten Things I would do if I were…” will be out on Monday 06/05/2017!
If you missed the last one, click here!
1. I would NOT tolerate the cruel and petty nobility (if that’s what they are), and would instead take arms against the vile scum! Viva la revolución! (That’s peasant for ‘kill the lords of the land!’)
2. I would NOT be disheartened by the supposed villainy of my lord ruler, if he has shown himself merciful and understanding towards me and my fellow villagers. PR makes good masters look bad, and the cruel ones – bad!
3. I would NOT find my courage only in a bottle. Bottles are bad places to keep one’s courage, no matter what the press tells you.
4. I would NOT treat my sons like slobs of meat. That’s good pretext for some patricide right there.
5. I would NOT treat my daughters like gold coins, trading them to curry favour with the rich merchant next door, or with the unpleasant nobleman with peculiar nightly hobbies.
6. I would NOT refuse any help to strangers in need, but I won’t solicit it, either. Who knows what man or woman I might allow into my poor village hovel?
7. I would NOT set out to be an annoying villager. You know the type – they always chase after others, murmuring about village law, and the rules, and how stuff ought to be…No one likes those. No one!
8. I would NOT discuss my mysterious past with anyone. Even a villager has a right to privacy!
9. I would NOT go investigatin’ strange noises during a blood-lit full moon. That’s just askin’ for trouble; no sir-e, thank you very much!
10. I would NOT be angry if my sons didn’t want to follow in my footsteps. For as long as at least one did. Someone has to inherit the farm… The old lady needs to be taken care of, after all!
1. I would make myself a trinket, nice and pretty. Nothing too flashy, nothing that draws attention.
2. I would make sure that my soldiers have all the reasons to remain loyal. To that purpose, I will pay them well, and make sure that they are happy. If that requires slaughtering a countryside filled with tiny people…so be it.
3. I would spend a lot of time with my pet basilisk/tri-headed dog/fashionably-daft nazgul. Bonding time decreases the odds of your favorite pets trying to murder you further on in. I will also make sure they diet properly, on the flesh of the enemies’ virgins…but that’s besides the point.
4. I would take the words of my trusted minions to heart. The other alternative is dumb. If you have a lieutenant who’s proven his value to you time and time again, don’t go ahead and doubt him, okay?!
5. I would unleash my evil empire’s armies before the heroes have the time to band together and defeat me via The Power of Friendship™.
6. I would pick up any ancient powerful artifacts lying around my portion of the world, instead of leaving them for some obnoxious farmer boy to find and dethrone me.
7. Also, I would conscript all the farmer boys. Use all that energy they have towards something productive.
8. I would attempt to avoid giving my underlings ample reason to kill me, like electrocuting relatives in front of them.
9. I would remain skeptical of any turncoats that’re suddenly burning with desire to join and serve me, especially if they used to be close friends and allies of my arch nemesis.
10. I would incinerate every piece of documentation that could somehow tip my enemies of any weaknesses I have; I would also incinerate all the thrash. I know how much heroes like sneaking around it; no need to let them.
11. I would use finesse and cunning where possible; just because I’m an Evil Overlord does not mean that I must be a prick about it!
My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List; my first entry is centered around the Evil Fantasy Overlord in order to honor that list and its maker! The next installment, “Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were an Evil Fantasy Overlord,” will be out on Friday!
Oh, and why 11, when I said Top Ten? It’s because I like to go one step above and beyond!