Top Ten Things I would do if I were reborn as a demonic slave

 

  1. New body, new set of rules! Let’s start off with movement. Nope, moving on four legs isn’t as easy as it looks. Why am I going to that hole? Wha—No, stop it! LEGS! LEEEEE—
  2. New management. I was a freelance lich in my last incarnation, but this time around…demon lords are all the buzz! I’m not saying this metaphorically; the large, tentacle creature with huge breasts and flames for eyes is buzzing at me.
  3. Licking boots. Sure. Why put my knowledge of this realm when you could use my new acid-coated tongue to clean your boots, demon lord?
  4. Why do demon lords even have boots? I understand faeries, and walking—but what is it about demonic boots?
  5. Do they really need all these spikes? Those are really hard on the acidic tongue, mind you.
  6. I’m getting boggled in boot-licking minutiae? Really? Oh, very well! I would also corrupt the souls of the forsaken, the desiccated, and those who have no brains on their skulls in order to know well enough not to stay in the middle of a demonic invasion!
  7. I would begin plotting. Demons plot, and I would hate to be unfaithful to my newly-discovered nature. What else do demons do, though? Let’s have a gander at my demonic lord and master; he…
  • Sleeps a lot;
  • Enjoys clean boots;
  • Consumes the souls of humans;
  • Plans invasions past the initial point of contact –my bad, everyone— but never acts on them;
  • Reads his poems aloud and pesters me and the succubi for positive reinforcement.
  1. I will plan on taking my demonic lord’s place. While I no longer am a wizard, or a lich…the knowledge remains. First, I will…abuse his poetic skills! No demon would expect such assault.
  2. Once the abuse continues, it is time to gaslight him. Aye, you heard that right. I will light the pungent gas that surrounds him afire!
  3. I shall consume his tender, burned flesh, and take my rightful place as demonic lord!

The protagonist of this list may or may not have choked on demonic boot by mistake, and proceeded to die several more times before reaching his goal. At this time, one simply could not say.

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