Top Ten Things I would do if I were an Evil Fantasy Overlord

1. I would make myself a trinket, nice and pretty. Nothing too flashy, nothing that draws attention.
2. I would make sure that my soldiers have all the reasons to remain loyal. To that purpose, I will pay them well, and make sure that they are happy. If that requires slaughtering a countryside filled with tiny people…so be it.
3. I would spend a lot of time with my pet basilisk/tri-headed dog/fashionably-daft nazgul. Bonding time decreases the odds of your favorite pets trying to murder you further on in. I will also make sure they diet properly, on the flesh of the enemies’ virgins…but that’s besides the point.
4. I would take the words of my trusted minions to heart. The other alternative is dumb. If you have a lieutenant who’s proven his value to you time and time again, don’t go ahead and doubt him, okay?!
5. I would unleash my evil empire’s armies before the heroes have the time to band together and defeat me via The Power of Friendship™.
6. I would pick up any ancient powerful artifacts lying around my portion of the world, instead of leaving them for some obnoxious farmer boy to find and dethrone me.
7. Also, I would conscript all the farmer boys. Use all that energy they have towards something productive.
8. I would attempt to avoid giving my underlings ample reason to kill me, like electrocuting relatives in front of them.
9. I would remain skeptical of any turncoats that’re suddenly burning with desire to join and serve me, especially if they used to be close friends and allies of my arch nemesis.
10. I would incinerate every piece of documentation that could somehow tip my enemies of any weaknesses I have; I would also incinerate all the thrash. I know how much heroes like sneaking around it; no need to let them.
11. I would use finesse and cunning where possible; just because I’m an Evil Overlord does not mean that I must be a prick about it!

My bi-weekly Top Ten lists were originally inspired by Peter’s Evil Overlord List; my first entry is centered around the Evil Fantasy Overlord in order to honor that list and its maker! The next installment, “Top Ten Things I would NOT do if I were an Evil Fantasy Overlord,” will be out on Friday!

Oh, and why 11, when I said Top Ten? It’s because I like to go one step above and beyond!

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