The Unintentionally Helpful Villain, Vol. 1

Diary Entry #0078
Today, I took my armies to Imlarith, where I challenged the High Elven King to singular combat. Although I was fully prepared for his refusal, the gleefulness with which he did accept my challenge did stagger me back for a moment.

Long did our glorious combat last, and much did happen as our fiery blades crossed under the blistering day of summer. And then during the blistering night of that same season did we continue crossing our blades, and a great deal many other doings, so foul and deadly that the very ground underneath the king’s regal feet succumbed. Alas, his strength proved my inferior and with a final blow did I send him down to his very many elven ancestors, and, summoning brimstone and hellfire did I kick his body into the abyss!

It was a heavy body, and so I had to kick a few times.

My generals did prepare the Fallen armies with much alacrity as this kicking did occur, expecting fully the High Elves’ outrage at their beloved Monarch’s voluptuous death.

Great was my surprise when the elves did throw flowers at my feet, and cheered my name, and called me Liberator. Alas, my generals, all of whom have deteriorated eyesight due to the near-constant darkness in which they do dwell, mistook the large quantity of roses for deadly projectiles, and ordered the archers to fire a volley unto the elven crowds.

Many elves did die that day, but nay, they refused to stop cheering! They showered me with riches, once I stopped the volley of arrows, and they told me their tale; of a mad Elven King who kept them near-enslaved by his tyrannical rule.

As it seemed uncouth to kill them all as they cheered, I did order my armies to turn around and march back unto the darkness from whence they came.
Curse my rotten luck, I hope I shalln’t get my minions unto misfortune with the Council of Darkness for overthrowing a perfectly evil Tyrant.

Diary Entry #0079

The Council of Darkness hath announced their foul intent to wage war on mine person. I shallt respond with fierce and spiteful prejudice.

 

The Unintentionally Helpful Villain is the diary of a clichéd fantasy villain who ends up doing more good than bad for a variety of convoluted reasons! Follow me for more of his misadventures every Wednesday! Odds are, you’ll enjoy this if you’re sick of overused fantasy tropes or if you enjoy the premise of a reluctant villain who’s perfectly competent in his villainy, but always to unexpected effect!

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